My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
