You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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