She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
