Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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