i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
