1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
