i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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