Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
