Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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