my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
