Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
