why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
