So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
