It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
