only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
