only you would photoshop your dick
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
