Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Two words: nipple clamps
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