Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
