She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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