I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize