You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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