remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
