Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
