i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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