All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize