I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
