i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
pop tarts are not kleenex
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
