During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
