they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
