Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
