sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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