That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
