ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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