Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
