What a fucking waste of an outfit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
