We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize