that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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