I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
