Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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