Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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