She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
