the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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