I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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