Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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