I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
