Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize