i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
