1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
