onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
