I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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