I smell stomach acid.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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