My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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