I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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