Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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