Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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