Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my sisters under your porch take her home
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
