alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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