So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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