he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
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