I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
