God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
