Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
